whoa, i guess this book is weird, like Merry told me. Oh no, not again! Frodo's throwing up...i guess that wound was really bad. Wait, maybe I should explain. Merry just found this weird-looking book and there was this message inside. It said, "My Dark Thought's, by Sauron's Kid". I don't know who this kid is, or Sauron for that matter, but he hasn't written anything in it! So Merry says, "'Ae, why don't you write a little bit yourself, matey!" Well, i'm not much of a writer but I'll at least write down what's happening. Okay, so here's how it goes.
I was just minding my own buisness and walking home from a very enjoyable walk in the Shire when my Gaffer comes up to me and says, "Samwise Gamgee! What are you doing walkin' aboot when there's work ta be done? Why look at the state of that lawn! Where've you put your green thumb, my boy?"
Well, i sure could'a told him where I was gonna put my green thumb but just then Frodo comes running up. He's yelling and screaming and making this big deal. You see, he's a rather flighty young Hobbit. Daft, or something i'm sure. Anyway, he's yelling to me, "Sam! Samwise! You'll never guess who's come!"
He doesn't even wait for me to say that I don't really care. He just starts hopping about and says, "It's Gandalf!!! GANDALF!!!! And he's come to the Shire!!" I told you, flighty. Then he says he has to run off and that he'll see me later. I cannot tell you how much of a REJECT he is becoming. Ever since the Sackville-Bagginses pointed out that he looks like a girl, he has been avoided by all. Well, all except me, the Gaffer, and that weirdo who runs the estate i work on, Bilbo Bagginses. I have to stick with him or i won't get paid...or the Gaffer will "show me some of his gardening tools" as I've often heard him threaten.
Whatever. So it turns out that Gandalf came because he was going to help get the party going for Bilbo's 111'th birthday. Yeah, that dood is OLD. Well, not so much...but whatever.
The party was pretty cool. There was this really hot female hobbit there that wanted to dance with me. I think her name was Rosie. But Frodo kept embarassing me. Every time she and i would dance, he'd try to dance next to us...without a partner. That's, of course, because no one actually will dance with him. I really do see that girl peeking out of his face. It's kind of...ugly too. Anyway, so Bilbo gets up to do a speach. Let me just ask one question here. Why were speaches created in the first place? Who wants to hear some guy get up and babble on and on about how he really doesn't mind getting older and that the party is the coolest ever? I certaintly don't. But he goes up there anyway and starts talking. It gets really boring and I was almost nodding off when he suddenly dissapears!!!
Not kidding. All those hobbits saw it too so it isn't like I was dreaming because I was so bored. The guy actually dissapeared. My curiousity is sparked (obviously) so I sneak up to the Bilbo's house and crouch underneath a window. That right there was one of my biggest ever mistake. That's the reason i'm standing here now, trying to get vomit off of the edge of my cloak. Anyway, Bilbo is in the house and he's fighting with this shadow. No, that's not a shadow, that's Gandalf. I'm still getting used to how tall he is.
They fight for a long time and finally resolve their problems. I can't imagine what a wizard and a hobbit could be fighting about! Okay, I'm not the most imaginative hobbit but it's the guy's 111'th birthday, for crying out loud! Give the dood a break! Anyway, then they say goodbye (I had come a little closer so that i could hear them) and Bilbo actually leaves! Yep, headed out on the open road again. Stupid hobbit. It's nicer in the Shire than anywhere else! Why would he want to leave? He's just wierd.
So then Frodo comes in and Gandalf is all like, "I've got a job for you" or something like that. He sets him all about the house packing and everything and I'm wondering, "What the heck is going on?"
I must have been thinking too loud because from out of nowhere, I'm lifted into the room. Gandalf's face was stern and his stare was peircing. "What have you heard?" he asks me. "Oh nothing, I was just, you know, hanging out. Dood, have you tried that grass? It's strong, man" i say, but he doesn't fall for it cause i'm obviously not stoned or anything. So then he does this really mean thing. He's like, "Ok then, Frodo. Looks like you are going to have a friend join you on your little trip!"
One: I am not his friend, even though i'm forced to hang out whith him.
Two: Does this Gandalf dood think i have no life? I can't take a vacation!
Three: Who says "little" anymore when referring to a trip. I tell ya, these wizards may be really smart, but they fall behind the times so much from being cramped up in little libraries, studying scrolls all day.
Next thing i know, i'm packing a few extra clothing, my pots, my pans, a little bit of rope, some other cooking supplies, some good food, some plant packets, my lucky dice, my fortune teller eight ball, my snorkel, my spa oils, my robe, my tanning lotion, my toothbrush, and my toothpaste. And wouldn't you know it, I forgot to bring my shoes. How stupid can I get? I have these humongous feet and i forget shoes. Oh well.
Okay, i've been writing in this book a long time and i just realized that Frodo's gone. I asked Pippin and he said that this elf guy came and took him away after he'd barfed all over me. Good riddance! But as i'm writing this, I wonder if it's a bad idea. I mean, Sauron isn't exactly a really friendly name and this guy's kid must be pretty nasty. Plus, it's tittled, "My Dark Thoughts" which, now that i think about it, really creeps me out! REALLY! So i'm thinking i'll let Merry have the book back. He's the one who found it in the first place. Plus, he's always been a better writer than i have.
Aaragorn says we have to leave.
"Hey Merry! Come here!"
